Un-bear-able.

I'm a bear.

How is it that someone so mobile so promising can just stop?

I feel like as we grow older we go through different stages and become different versions of ourselves along the way. Ideally you find this stage where you become yourself with all the best pieces of those versions.

But what if you don't get the best pieces? What if you get stuck somewhere in the middle between the best and the absolute worst? What if you don't like the version you've become? And what if you feel like you can't change it or don't know how?

Today is a hard day.

I can't deal with who I am and I try so hard to get back to the parts of me I love.

"it's hard to dance with the devil on your back"

I used to have such an amazing heart. I just wanted to help everyone. I wanted to be a friend to everyone. I was nice and helpful and so loving. Outgoing. Now I'm just hurt and mangled. Besides my fiance, I don't have anyone to rely on. I feel like I got chewed up and spit out.

I had such passion and drive. I was going places everyone said. I could do, be, achieve anything. And dadgummit you just try to tell me no and I'll just prove you wrong.  Now I'm so lost. I have no motivation. I've gone no where.

I don't even have a right to be unhappy, but here you have me. Selfish, stupid, and out of control. I know I can get myself out of this, I just don't know how

Why I Am Dysfunctional Today

I was at B&N today wandering around because I was bored (because it's one of my favorite stores and because I'm a bookaholic) and I stopped by their journal section.

Yes I keep journals. Not like a thirteen year old girl with a diary, more like a record of memories and events and how they make me feel. It makes a really interesting time line of my fiancé and I falling in love. It's like my muggle version of a pensieve (nerd reference!). That and there is so much going on in my head that half the time I can't sort out how I'm feeling or what I think until I sit down and write about it and get my head to quiet down (my freaky brain is a tangent for a different day).

ANYWAYS (now that I'm done rambling) there I was standing in B&N and I see this journal entitled "My Dysfunctions". I cracked up.It's like a regular journal but each day has a headliner reading "Why I Am Dysfunctional Today" with a box for the date. It also had tons of really great quotes about being crazy and dysfunctional in it. I loved it. I thought I had to have it because, as I've mentioned I have some issues that I'm still trying to work through and there are some really bad, hard days.  So I walked around with it for quite a while.

Then it dawned on me. I can't buy this and record everything that is wrong with me in one easily accessable, clearly labled place. That's just a bad experience waiting to happen. If I ever make any enemies and they get a hold of that I'd go down. Or if by chance I ever become famous that would be a book of gold. Or the most realistic ending, my poor kids. I really hope I function at a healthier rate by the time I have kids. They don't need to know how crazy I was (am). It's bad enough that I record virtually everything for them to find later on anyways. But to have one book pretty much red flagged as "hey your mom used to be bat shit crazy!"... Ya no... I'd prefer that if they're going to be reading all the bad stuff, that they are reading it in between all the good stuff too. So they don't think that I'm crazy or sad or whatever ALL the time. Because I'm not. That and maybe they'll get bored with some of the boring stuff I write about that they will just stop reading before they get to the crazy parts.

:) Just my thoughts ya'll
My Dysfunctions Journal 7x9 by Knock Knock | 825703500202 | Barnes & Noble

My Name is Ellie

My name is Ellie. I'm depressed, I have anxiety attacks, and I stress about everything. I wish it weren't so. I have no reason to be this way, but the mind is to complex to be tamed. This is currently the biggest struggle in my life and I keep it mostly in the background. I try to keep it so no one else has to be a part of my problem. I will over come this. I'm getting married in a year. My fiance is a wonderful, supportive man, who (naturally) drives me crazy. I wouldn't change a thing about him. Planning a wedding is a big task, it is fun so far, but like I said, I'm still a year out. Our wedding is going to be relatively large (we both have big families), but hopefully really laid back and fun. We're both country kids who were stuck in the burbs, so our wedding is country. I love my dogs and cats and horses. Okay and tigers and dolphins... and all animals (except birds). I love coffee and Dr. Pepper. I have a sweet tooth that sometimes does not agree with my stomach. I love colors and fashion. I love history, when it is presented in ways I can see and feel and understand. I love words. Written, sung, said. I love stories. I love movies and books and writing. I love reading, experiencing, diving into stories. I love winding through mazes of words to understand a greater meaning. I love writing and telling stories. I love watching stories and lives and truths in movies. I love my family. They drive me crazy sometimes. And my family is really complicated. I love mostly my family that I know I can count on no matter what. My name is Ellie. I don't always have a plan, but I'm just trying to get through life. I've been hurt. I've lost. I have scars, but I've learned from them. I try to always keep moving forward, no matter how hard. I love. I live. I write. And now I'm writing- because I can. Because I don't care if anyone reads this, but if someone does, great. I'm writing because writing down how I feel and what is happening helps me process things. I don't know how I feel about things or how I want to react to things until I write about it half the time. So I will write. If you desire. You may read. If you don't desire, just know I do this for me and because maybe someone out there feels like me. Maybe someone out there needs to hear something I have to say. Maybe someone out there is in the same battle as me. Just maybe.